ashes in the sea
The old white wooden house
Chipped paint
Running around with my cousins in your garden
Memories from so long ago
I can barely remember them
They’re fuzzy, just fragments in my mind
Trips to the surrounding islands on your boat
Fishing rods in the sea
It always bored me, I never had the patience for sitting around, waiting for the fish to take the bait
Jumping around on the cliffs
I fall, and the toenail on my right big toe comes off
My mother worries, then tells me it will be alright, the pain will subside
I must have been ten
After the summer with the boat trips to the islands
There are not many memories of you
Less and less sightings
You come to Christmas dinner
But you miss my birthday four days later
We all know why, but no one says a word
Your lack of presence is a big aching wound
But no one says a word
Another fragmented memory, you’re lying in a hospital bed
My mother is a protector
Keeping me and my brother away from you
We don’t talk about you, we don’t visit you
‘‘Grandpa’s drinking again’’
I know
You show up sporadically
We all pretend everything is okay
This is normal
You disappear from my world
I move away, I grow up
I have a grandfather, but the bond is strictly biological
There is no relationship, no contact
Sometimes I think I could see you on the street and not recognise you
My mother worries
It’s all upside down, the daughter taking care of the father
Cleaning up the old white wooden house when you can no longer live there
My father, carrying out furniture and cleaning up vomit
A call on a warm summer night
A day like any other
‘‘Grandpa’s dead’’
My mother’s voice is weak, broken, thick with tears
And I feel relief
Finally, she can live her own life
Finally, she can stop worrying about her father
The funeral is small
It highlights how insignificant your life was
Maybe you had friends and meaningful relationships at some point
But alcohol washed all that away
I don’t cry at your funeral
A few weeks later we throw your ashes into the sea
The place you felt most at home
And I remember that summer with the boat trips to the islands
But the memories are fuzzier than ever